video log 001: sit and wait
Thoughts and reflections from September 2024, almost a year ago. Nearly a year later, it feels like I finally have the time, energy and a sense of direction. Rather than waiting for life to happen to me, I feel like I spent most of the year saying yes to new experiences. I finally got back in the studio and dusted off my hardrive. Now it's time to mix everything and I'm hoping I can implement even half of what David spoke about.
Aston Villa saw me a couple times as well. Once for the Back to the Beginning festival and again for the GNX tour. Being able to see Ozzy Osbourne assemble so many great acts at Villa was genuinely surreal. I don't think there's a much better way to seal a legacy; after a legendary homecoming, I do hope he's resting in peace.
As for the GNX tour, 30 for 30 is dominating my playlist right now, but I've always loved CTRL and I didn't understand how badly I actually needed to hear it live - definitely a full circle moment for 17 year old me. Kendrick Lamar also has a stacked discography, but there's something special about Money Trees that isn't getting old.
Beside making or experiencing music, I also bounced around between Paris and Belgium again. I have a lot of love for Birmingham, but I think I want to leave. Maybe it's because I've been here my whole life? I love that it's growing and that we're starting to see more happening from Sigil Radio to Boxout. The 0121 is special and has made me not just the creative, but the person I am. That being said, sometimes I feel like there's more to see and explore; what if I do belong elsewhere?
Maybe my experiences are too deeply routed in grief and depression to full appreciate Brum for all of it's vibrant creativity. Maybe I'll miss it if I leave. Regardless, whether I stay or go, the last 12 months have taught that I'll never find the answer if I sit and wait.
This year I did the opposite of sit and wait.
I actually said yes to the most random shit. It doesn't make up for lost time, but I guess that's not the point.
As Chiron moves through Aries, We all must learn to fight
Reflections from the end of August
As a child, I remember being young, unhappy and generally fed up with the life around me, I remember thinking that I could do it better than the adults in my life at the time. Like many people, I always thought I’d arrive at a much better answer that would lead me to fulfilment. Now as a grown up trying to be an independent musician and entrepreneur with a work/life balance, social life and a daily routine, who’s also absorbing alarming updates regarding the world (wether its the UK’s cost of living crisis, Palestine, Congo etc), there’s been many moments where I’ve just felt like giving up. I admit I tried to run away but you can’t escape the madness that is this world. In addition to feeling immense grief, I’ve also felt completely numb, unable to move or complete basic functions.
I always joked sarcastically with myself and would say that it’s absolutely crucial to set aside time in one’s day to simply lament. Cry for the small insignificant inconveniences (1st world problems), and then feel the effect of the bigger catastrophes that you feel helpless to change as an individual. Imagine this is my superior answer to life. (It’s not)
It’s far from a resolution or any type of meaningful action.
Anyway, too much time passed and I before I knew it the world around me froze. Or I did. I stopped trying, I stopped caring, singing, moving; I was barely existing. This week I’m trying to turn that around. Not just so that I can finish the music, I’m trying honestly to find my will to live again. To connect with people and find purpose.
As the pendulum swings from one extreme to other, all I can do is find an authentic rhythm. My life will never be perfect and neither will the world, but we don’t get to stop. If you do, you may wake up one morning and realise that you let it all slip away. I’m not saying it’s easy, but it is necessary.
I don’t endorse grind culture. I just want to embody a spirit that cannot be broken. I can’t stop thinking it: the world around us is fucked. Still, we can’t let corruption steal our joy, hope, drive, compassion or any of the things that make us human. These are the bare necessities of life and you won’t get far without them. Tonight I’ll go to sleep, and every morning I’ll have to wake up and figure out what’s worth living for.
As Chiron moves through Aries, the world learns how to fight. But for each individual that fight will resemble something different. For myself, my biggest enemy has been my own jaded mind that has kept me stagnant.
As a child my biggest driving force was this idea that I would have it all figured out by now. Now that I still don’t have the answers, rather than being inspired by a destination, I’m starting to understand and accept that life is non-linear, it will always throw you curveballs that will make you question yourself. Nonetheless, you can’t give up.
Dead Man Walking
I kinda like it so far, but it’s not me so I’m not sure I ever felt the incentive to finish it. Yes, I’m pessimistic about the likelihood of being able to clear the sample, but I also genuinely don’t feel like this is reminiscent of me - still fun to experiment though. On a slightly separate note, it was fun trying to record with different equipment. My next goal is to figure out the best set up for my vocals but for now it’s trial and error.
Waves
originally sung by River Tiber, covered by me
I stayed a way from sampling for a long time because I’m a firm believer of leaving well enough alone. But this was fun. It’s fun to reimagine things in your own style and learn more about how (and maybe why) you feel so inclined towards a specific creative direction.
Get You x Love Proceeding
April, you were weird but you were great.
The end of March was the beginning of some confusing symptoms including fatigue, confusion and a whole bunch of other shit. I honestly felt like I was losing my mind, but that it was also causing my body to physically stop functioning. However, Paris was booked and it’s trip that not only set the tone for the rest of April, it genuinely opened my eyes to a variety of possibilities, both creatively but also in terms of my life in general.
David Wrench is someone who’s been a huge sound/music influence on me as an artist and I didn’t even realise it. Having the chance to see him mix and explain his ethos behind his work and his decisions was ground breaking (not an over reaction). Being in Paris for the first time was also beautiful.
Getting to see MIKE by chance after missing his Brum show felt like God smiling down on me, because genuinely what were the odds (shout out to Milo for getting us in). I’ve always wanted to catch a show in Paris, but this was a dream come true. Both MIKE and Jadasea came through with passion, and MIKE kept reminding us: “All this is just Hip Hop, it’s just bars and beats.” - I’m paraphrasing heavily, but I remember him saying it like an affirmation; when you’re real and you love what you do + you respect the craft, that’s all you need. People will feel you. Tell me an artist that doesn’t need to be reminded of that on a daily basis. Craft is core, gimmick is unnecessary.
Anyway, to swiftly conclude, April was cool because I experienced lots of cool shit, but I physically felt like shit. But that’s ok because nothing (including physical health) is ever linear. April taught me to let the dissonance guide me towards a resolution. Was I living sustainably or was my body just responding to shitty food choices and unrealistic expectations about what I’m supposed to be achieving in my mid twenties? Either way life didn’t end, it actually got really exciting.
Curated by
Justine FM
Welcome to The Process.
